After an already emotionally trying day of driving 12 hours in the car with my mother (fights about: my car, how i drive my car, Sarah Palin, if you would save in a house fire a paraplegic or a box of fetuses - and you can't put the box of fetuses in the lap of the wheelchair bound person and also why is there a box of fetuses in a house anyway - and of course the obligatory "no i don't want to discuss your sexuality issues right now, i've instantly got a raging headache that will only get worse with increased awareness about your lady-dating") i get "home" to North Carolina to find my dad watching the end of Steven Spielberg's A.I., the movie that made me fall madly in love with Jude Law and also the most over the top depressing film that i've ever seen.
A summary of the end of A.I., also known as the four unnecessary levels of depression:
Level One: David and hotsexygoddamn Jude Law arrive in the dream land Man-Hattan to find that the whole place in underwater and basically completely destroyed. David then finds out that the one thing that he's had to hold on to his whole life, the idea that he's special and unique, is totally false, and there is a million other Davids in boxes just waiting to live out lives of soul-crushing sadness just like he has. His only freaking semi-human friend is sucked up into the air randomly, probably to be dismembered in front of David's eyes in a scene cut from the movie to save time for significantly more horrifically sad events. David then jumps in the neosubmarine, plunges himself into the ocean, an ocean of his tears, where he finally finds the blue fairy, and then prays to her until HE and the ENTIRE WORLD FREEZES TO DEATH IN SORROW.
This is where a normal movie might end, But Steven Speilburg, that gosh-darn sadist, does not want to leave any cringe-worthy weeping-willow-type leaf left unturned.
Level Two: After being frozen for 2000 fucking years in an ice cube meant to represent the coldness of a mother's heart, a mother who is willing to leave her robot son out in the cold to be raped and robot-murdered by dirty carnies of the future, David is rescued by beautiful aliens that only a 15 year old nerd could imagine, aliens made of computers with the bodies of anorexic models. Oh but first, David's new god, the blue fairy statue, CRUMBLES IN FRONT OF HIS FREAKING TEAR-ICICLED EYES. David is not programed for this level of sadness and has a freaking mini-seizure.
But wait, there's more.
Level Three: The aliens, who have magic greater than the coolest wizards, tell David that they can totally bring his mom back, who, even though she's a syphilis-ridden soulless whore who doesn't deserve any love, even the love of a machine wearing a cute little boy suit, is all that David ever really wants in his sad, wretched nightmare of a thing he calls a life. David cries such wonderful tears that they turn into diamonds, which the aliens collect in a secret side plan where they want to enslave him to bring them riches. They'll just bring him to the cusp of finally having one good thing happen to him in life, and then steal the diamonds and lock him in a box for later. As such, after he's cried his beautiful diamond tears, they throw him back in his empty house, where some sucker alien who clearly drew the shortest straw (or maybe the longest, those sick fucks) mimics his mother's voice to lure David in, and then tells him his mother is DEAD FOREVER. EXCEPT MAYBE FOR ONE DAY. BUT REALLY FOREVER.
Then Teddy, in his one minute of glory, whips out a wad of mom-hair that he'd been holding onto for "special keeping" and David finally wins something, a few beautiful hours with his mom, who is suddenly an angel and not one step above Andrea Yates. Make that one step below.
Level Four: We get to watch David live out the one happy day in his entire freaking life, the highlights of which include making coffee like a good little slave and hiding in the closet, which i guess is slightly better than coming out to a world where everyone likes to kill children. Then, much like Our Town, the audience must be put back in their place and reminded the life can never be good, ever, not even for sweet little traumatized half-children, not even for cherubs like Haley Joel Osment. At the end of the day, his mother, just like him, is not special, and she dies, and then HE dies, and then, once you think it's all over and the sad music is about to play for, i shit you not, ten minutes just to make sure you dehydrate your whole body, right down to your toenails, you see that TEDDY IS STILL ALIVE, and EVEN THOUGH HE SAVED THE FREAKING DAY, HE IS NOW STUCK ALONE IN THE HOUSE WITH TWO DEAD DEPRESSASAURUSES FOR THE REST. OF. TIME.
And then i got up and found out that toilet bowl cleaner had spilled all over the stuff packed in my car.
What a day.
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2 comments:
ohgod. The second-to-last sentence did me right in. Before that, it was the part about your mother. I don't know what to do about that part but put my head in my hands and plan to hug you.
I never saw the end of that movie. Or maybe I did see it, but I just forgot it because it is so sad.
Today I read Decartes, he says being sad is imperfect Cara, along with....wait hold on...OK: "doubt, inconstancy, sadness[!], and the like"
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